


now i go my way, you go yours.

by smutkakyoin



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, My First Fanfic, Reunions, Sad Gon, Sort Of, Time Skips, Two Shot, ik i tagged leopika but it's really subtle, pls let me hug them, sad killua
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27071404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smutkakyoin/pseuds/smutkakyoin
Summary: Gon never had the chance to apologize to Killua for the things he said.In fact, he never even had a chance to see him again.[ title is from the song Space Ghost Coast to Coast by glass animals. ]
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	now i go my way, you go yours.

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place after the chimera ant arc! so gon is healed and as good as new! there is nothing about the dark continent in here, sorry :<  
> also this is my first ever fic on this site!! im so sorry if it is bad
> 
> also this started as an unfinished vent, but i got really sad again and decided to finish it lmfao

_"You have it easy, Killua."_

No, please don’t say that.

_“You’re perfectly calm.”_

That’s not true.

_“Since it doesn’t mean anything to you.”_

How could you say that?

Killua still remembers those words. The stinging, burning sensation it brought to his heart and the rest of his body. The look Gon's face held as he pushed the words out, the way his own vision blurred with tears as he forced himself to walk away from Gon.

From his Gon.

From his light.

Killua understands where Gon was coming from, why he was so upset. Why he said those words, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

Killua’s heart was heavy, and he forced himself to drag his even heavier limbs away from Gon.

Even after the fight has ended, even after Gon was beaten badly and healed, even after the election for the new chairman, even after everything went almost back to normal,

Gon couldn’t find Killua.

No one could.

After Alluka and he went through hell and back just to heal Gon, he left without a trace. Gon was heartbroken, where did his best friend go? Why isn’t he travelling the world with Gon? Why did he leave him? But Gon knew why Killua left him, why he healed him, and then let Gon be. Gon remembers the stinging words he sliced through Killua with. He didn’t have to see the look on Killua’s face back then to know it hurt him. It hurt their friendship. Gon felt horrible, but he was so taken by rage and grief that he didn’t care in that moment what Killua felt. What anyone felt. He just wanted to get Kite back. To get revenge.

But even after all these years, five years after that fight, that long battle, he still couldn’t find Killua. No one could. Not Kurapika, not Leorio, not Bisky, not even Hisoka or Illumi.

Killua Zoldyck was no longer.

Killua spent years wondering where he went wrong. When his life took a turn for the worst. He so badly wants to say it was when he met Gon, he so badly wants to blame Gon for all the pain he has been feeling over the years, but he knows he can’t. Gon is - was, the best thing to happen to him. No one could ever make Killua feel so comfortable, so free, so bright, like Gon did. Gon was his everything.

He still is, even though Killua would never admit it.

Killua tried to convince himself that he didn’t miss Gon, that he didn’t need Gon by his side to be happy. That he never needed Gon.

But all those lonely nights that he spent by himself, Alluka in the room next to his, trying not to cry as he looks all around his room just to distract himself. Killua was so tired of pretending he wasn’t sad about leaving Gon, that he wasn’t sad about the words Gon had said to him. Killua just wanted to see the boy again and hug him tightly, latching on to him and never letting him go. Killua just wants to hear Gon say his name once more.

For years he has been looking after Alluka and himself, his hunter license letting them slide along nicely over the years. After running away from everyone for almost two years, Killua thought it was finally time to start settling down and actually do something. He didn’t want to, but he knew he had to make money somehow, not really fond of relying only on his Hunter ID, and went back to becoming a ‘part-time’ assassin. He deeply regrets taking up these jobs, but he needs money to support Alluka and himself, and this was the only way he could without going through all the troubles of finding actual 9-5 jobs. When Killua felt like he was at his lowest, he took up longer assassination jobs, always calling Alluka before he went to bed to make sure she was alright and to let her know he was also alright. Alluka knew he hated these jobs, but she also knew that he needed the money. The raven-haired girl felt bad, she felt like she was leeching off of her own brother, but Killua always let her know he was doing this to protect her and care for her, and the only thing she needs to pay him back in was love (‘very cheesy, big brother!’)

But while he was doing all of this for him and his sister, he also found himself becoming the very thing he hated when he was twelve. An assassin. A Zoldyck. How sickening, he thought to himself almost nightly. He grew up telling himself he was never going to become one, but here he is now. A true Zoldyck, is what his father told him as he left Silva’s room.

_“I’m proud of you son.”_

Don’t be.

_“You’ll be an excellent leader to your family.”_

This will never be my family.

_“I knew you would come back.”_

I wish I never did.

Killua wanted nothing to do with this family, Alluka and him were nothing to this family in the teen's eyes, they were outsiders. He preferred it that way.

He was only doing this for Alluka.

Gon often wonders what Killua and if he is doing okay, if he ate, or if he is still with Alluka. Gon heard about a girl, his sister, named Alluka who saved his life. He learned through Leorio and Morel what happened and how he was even alive. They briefly discussed Killua, skimming over him as quickly as they could so they didn't disturb the good day Gon was having. He just woke from death, his hand being yanked away from death’s door just before he could lay his knuckles on it. It took Gon awhile to realize that Killua was even brought up, but when he heard Leorio mutter ‘now where the hell is Killua-’ is when he finally remembered about Killua. Gon felt bad when he realized how long it took him to remember about Killua and when he finally asked where his best friend was, Leorio was hesitant to answer. Even Morel was hesitant, but it was Bisky that answered for them, sneaking up behind the two males and up to the recovering boy.

_“We can’t find him. After his sister, Alluka, healed you, he disappeared with her. No one can get in contact with him as of right now.”_

Gon would’ve jumped out to hug Bisky right then and there if it wasn’t for the bandages wrapped tightly around his body, and the IVs sticking out of his arms and legs. Bisky noticed this and smiled warmly,

_“Welcome back, kid.”_

Gon noticed as the weeks went by, no one brought up Killua. He wanted to ask them if they knew anything new about Killua, whether it was they saw him somewhere, if they heard from him, or if he ended up on national television for something odd, but he didn’t want to annoy his friends. They all were happy Gon was alive and getting better and better as the days go by, but they were also stressed. Whether it was because of Killua, or the thought that something like this could happen to Gon again, Gon tried to stay as quiet and as still as he could just to help them out a little.

He remembers the moment he woke up, the sight of everyone around him whispering as he stirred awake.

Then he was rushed to a certain building where only hunters were at.

He was followed by all his friends, all his family.

_Killua?_

The others pushed him back a little as Morel opened the doors loudly, the once rowdy room going deathly quietly. Morel made a gesture to the man standing at the bottom of the room, and suddenly Gon was pushed forward, smiling brightly at the man below him.

_“Leorio!”_

_“GON!”_

Leorio jumped to meet Gon, and Gon rushed to hug him.

He was back home.

_His light._

But something - _someone_ was missing.

Gon feels guilty for not realizing until later.

Months go by, no sign of Killua. A year passes by, with no signs. Another year shoots by, still nothing. But Gon is stubborn and continues to look, continues to search, and wander for his best friend. His Killua. His light. Even after five years go by, Gon is still looking for Killua. Others have told him to quit it, to stop his search, but Gon refused. Sometimes Leorio would help him look for the other teen, but the older had studies he needed to complete, and Gon completely understood. Kurapika tried his hardest, but his duties became too much and he also went off the grid. It took Leorio days to calm Gon down after Kurapika left, and assured the boy this usually happens, much to the older’s dismay. Gon could tell Leorio was badly hurt by it but didn’t acknowledge it to the older.

Sometimes Gon would get upset and so frustrated with how his friendship with Killua ended. But did it really end? Technically, Killua never spoke to Gon and expressed how he wishes for their friendship to end. He just.. Up and left.

“Hm.. he’s almost as good as Ging.” Gon muttered to himself, a bitter chuckle escaping his lips. He held a mug in his hands, amusement dancing on his face as he realized his hands basically engulfed the entire thing. As the years went by, Gon trained physically, becoming larger and taller as the months passed by. Leorio almost screamed when he realized Gon was almost as tall as him, only two inches off. He grew more buff, muscles getting bigger as well as his legs. He took pride in his body shape and the long process it took to get him to where he wanted.

He wonders how Killua looks now. Is he as big as him? Is he taller than Gon, or did he finally manage to outgrow Killua? He hopes so, Killua always made fun of him for being so short, despite them being only a couple inches apart. He wonders if Killua also has been working out or if he was busy with something else.

Gon wonders how Killua will react to his new figure when they finally meet each other again.

_If. If we meet each other again._

Gon clicked his tongue in annoyance at his own thoughts. But he knew they were right. If. God how he hated that word.

He was going to find Killua, whether the other likes it or not.

Years pass by again, and at some point, Gon realized he was getting close to his breaking point with the search for Killua. As he drags along, more and more people tell him it’s time to call it quits. He knows it’s officially time to stop when it’s Leorio and Kurapika telling him to stop.

“It’s affecting your mental health, I think it’s finally time to put it to rest.”

“I agree with Leorio, Gon. We want Killua back just as much as you - “

_Liars._

“But this is badly hurting you. He is badly hurting you. You can’t keep going like this Gon.”

“I have to make things right. I said horrible things to him-”

“No, you didn’t Gon. You were just frustrated and sad-”

 _“YOU WEREN’T THERE!”_ Gon yelled, standing up from his seat. The three sat in Gon’s flat, Kurapika and Leorio taking the love seat while Gon sat in the middle of his couch. Leorio flinched at the sudden rise of voice, but Kurapika stayed still.

“You-You don’t know what was said, what we went through. What _I_ went through. You two were only there for the aftermath. And _no one_ knows what Killua went through, because _he isn’t here_!” Gon felt anger rising up, and he tried to quickly shove it down, but he just couldn’t. He was so tired of pretending this wasn’t hurting him.

The two stayed silent, Leorio sighing and placing his face in his hands, hunching over next to Kurapika. Kurapika watched him out of the corner of his eye before looking back up at Gon.

“We understand we weren’t there. And we’re sorry we weren’t there for you two. But it’s time to _move on_ , Killua isn’t coming back.”

“That’s rich coming from you.” Gon bit out, eyes widening at what came out of his mouth. Leorio’s head shot up, mouth agape, and Kurapika’s shown red as rubies for a split second before he exhales harshly through his nose. The blonde stands up and Leorio instinctively follows, mouth closed now as he watches Gon with a blank face.

“We’ll give you some space. Talk to us when you cool down, or when you want to talk again. Goodbye.” So emotionless, but Gon knows he deserves it. Stupid, can’t ever say the right thing.

_It’s just like with Killua._

Gon’s heart squeeze’s at the connection and he bites his tongue. His eyes stay on his friends back’s, quietly watching them walk out of his door. When the door softly clicks behind them, Gon crashes back down onto the couch and smashes his face in his hands, hunched over just like Leorio a few moments ago.

Gon just wanted to see Killua again. His best friend. His light. Killua was always Gon’s light, he shined the brightest when Killua was around, and now that he is gone... Gon doesn’t know what to do anymore. He wants to see the man, see if he is okay, if he is alive. He wants to hug Killua and never let go. He just wants to hear Killua say his name one more time.

Years later, now age 26, Gon walks around town, trailing around the shopping center as he looks for new foods to add to his fridge. He stalks around, waving at townspeople who call out his name, smiling brightly at them and them doing the same. He moved to a new place almost three years ago, wanting to go somewhere new and leave everything behind. He kept in touch with all his friends, and some even came to visit. When moving here, he met new people who seemed to be fun around, but he didn’t really have time or energy to make new friends.

He had given up on finding Killua. After that talk with Kurapika and Leorio, he finally stopped. He went about his days without checking his phone for any text messages from unknown numbers or the same old one he knows by heart or checking the news to see if something new happened with the Zodlycks. He knows there won’t be anything new.

Sure, Gon still wonders if Killua is okay, or if he is even alive, but he won’t admit it to all of his friends. Gon still has urges to check his phone, to walk around in the dead of the night to see if Killua was around, secretly watching him. He still has urges to buy a random Airship ticket just to go somewhere else and go searching all over again, but he’s too tired. He doesn’t have any energy to go out and find the other man.

Gon pays for the new foods and quietly bids goodbye to the shopkeeper, smiling brightly to them.

“Big Brother!” a female voice calls. Gon ignores it and continues on before he hears the voice that answers the call.

“What is it, Alluka?”

It doesn't matter how long it has been, how much growing up the both of them did, how much they have been through, Gon will always remember that voice. He snaps his head up, looking at a tall female and a slightly shorter male next to her. The man’s back is facing his, but the white hair gives it all away.

_I found you._

The woman says something to her brother, before locking eyes with Gon. Her eyes widen a fraction before she points straight at Gon.

“Don’t you know him, Big Brother?” The man in question turns around and follows to where his sister is pointing, eyes locking with Gon.

Icy eyes meet gold.

All the wind is taken out of Gon, and his heart leaps around in his chest.

“Killua?”

“Gon?”

**Author's Note:**

> please leave me some criticism ! im open to hearing how i can improve my writing :> i hope you enjoyed!!


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